The Twelve Dysfunctional Days of Christmas

This post won’t be for everyone. But I’m pretty sure it will be for someone. Consider it a salve for the sisters who need less silent treatment and more Silent Night. Or a nod to those who secretly think Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer is a catchy little tune. 

Woundedness landed us there. But it doesn’t get to keep us there.

So, for those who limp through the holidays weary of expectations or wary of family secrets and scorecards, this post is for you. We’re doing family dysfunction a little different from now on.

I see the look in your eyes because I’ve seen the look in your eyes. I’ve listened to women in ministry settings and after speaking events choke back tears over dysfunctional, broken relationships. It’s defeating and exhausting and some of us have felt like we just never can get it right in our very own families.

It’s time for a new set of rules for the Twelve Days of Christmas.

(Besides, have you ever listened to original lyrics? I could be okay with five golden rings or maybe even eight maids a-milkin’, although I think I’d rather have eight maids a-vacuuming. But eleven pipers piping? My son brought his recorder home from school once. So, that’s a hard no.)

I know the original 12 days didn’t technically start until Christmas day. But by my calculations of wind speed, the weight of expectations, and frequent flier miles from guilt trips, the 12 Dysfunctional Days of Christmas start right about … now.

Maybe this is the year you stop limping to January 1st, wondering how another holiday season got sabotaged by someone who sucks the oxygen out of the room and then blames you because they can’t breathe. Here it is. An oxygen mask. Take it. Here are 12 steps we can take to navigate the holidays with wisdom, health, and hope.

1. Don’t take the bait. No sooner is your coat in the closet than you’re guilt-tripped for never coming around. Or you’re reeling from comments about your weight or your date. Or the kid comparison begins. (“Taylor is going to community college now? That’s so great. My Melissa got a full scholarship to Stanford.”) When the semi-annual reading of your life screw-ups begins, don’t take the bait. Proverbs 26:20 says, “For lack of wood the fire goes out.”

2. Take responsibility for … only you. It’s a difficult thing to watch someone you love suffer in poor mental health, angry isolation, bad relationships or an unhealthy living environment. But one of the most piercing questions Jesus ever asked was “Do you want to get well?” He shifted responsibility to where it belonged. You don’t have to work harder on someone’s life than they do. A hurting family member may manipulate, but you don’t have to capitulate.

3. Back away if needed. If a family member injured you and swept it under the rug, if there’s gaslighting, if the dysfunction truly is toxic, here’s a trick from the amoeba. Under a microscope, amoeba shy away from toxic substances. If single-cell organisms can do it, we can, too. So, meet over Zoom instead of the dining room. Spend two hours visiting instead of two days. (No, you won’t ruin Christmas. If Herod couldn’t do it with power and cunning, you can’t either.)

4. Jilt the guilt. No one should be alone at the holidays. Right? Well, right? Here’s a really uncomfortable truth: Sometimes, people are alone because they’re so wounded all they know how to do is wound. The guilt you feel may be a gut check for codependency. Beth Moore writes, “Two in a pit is not better than one … We can test our level of codependency by how mad they get and how guilty we feel when we don’t get in the pit with them.” 

5. Build soft walls. It’s difficult to guard our hearts without hardening our hearts. Yet, in His dealings with people who were hurting, Jesus was tender and certain without being severe. That’s a great aim as we establish boundaries. So, decide what’s off-limits and be clear about it. But also consider: Is your loved one untreated for depression? Are they desperate to protect a secret or an -ism? Is there unresolved trauma? Pray for them from this softer place. Keep love active.

6. Suit up. Holiday get-togethers are no time to be caught defenseless. Read Ephesians 6, and suit up so you’re able to stand. And when pushback occurs—which it probably will if you’re applying new behaviors to old patterns—have a good support system around you. When the New Testament Apostle Paul wrote about the armor of God, prayer was the only thing on the list that he asked his friends to help with. Invite your friends to pray.

7. Envision good days. Keep I Peter 3:9-10 close to your heart. If you refrain from repaying evil for evil or returning insult for insult—and instead seek peace and pursue it—this passage promises you’ll get to love your life and see good days. You get to love your actual life, friends. Good days are ahead. This is a beautiful thing.

8. Stop peacefaking. Didn’t I Peter just say: seek peace and pursue it? Facts. But sometimes “peacefaking” chameleons as peacemaking. It keeps the peace at all costs. It sweeps deep wounds under the rug. It is one-sided. Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Peace isn’t always possible and it doesn’t always depend on you. Also facts.

9. Run your race. When an Old Testament prophet named Jeremiah complained to God about why the wicked prospered, God replied, “If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses?” In other words, “stop letting people wear you out. I have bigger races for you to run.” If we crumble at the inconsequential, we won’t be fit for the fierce.

10. Find your people. Some of you feel orphaned because those who should have nurtured you abandoned you. Others look out the front door, looking for your prodigal. Six of the kindest words in scripture are in Psalm 68:6: “He sets the lonely in families.” Friends who breathe wisdom, check your motives, and handle your heart with care are evidence of God’s love—aimed straight at you.

11. Forgive. When Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive, he offered seven as a suggestion. Probably flexed when he said it. But Jesus said, thank you for playing Peter, but no. 70 x 7 is how many times I want you to forgive. Forgive, forgive, forgive. All the grudges, all the way. He forgave us of everything, and when we do the same, it’s the highest form of evidence that we follow Him.

12. Hand your mess to the Messiah. Oh friends, in the hands of Jesus, your broken story can become a respite where other weary travelers find a home. Hebrews 3:10 says Jesus is seated at the right hand of the Father until His enemies become a footstool for His feet. He’s not reclining yet. He is seated at God’s right hand — a place of action, power and authority. I picture Him leaning forward with anticipation over the growth He’s producing in you.

Look at how far you’ve come.

He’s making you more like Him.

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